Anxiety

I didn’t realize it’d been so long since I posted…sorry about that. A lot has been happening and it’s all made it hard to focus on anything.

With the pandemic, my anxiety is through the roof. Every sneeze, sniffle, you name it is suspect for me. It’s spring allergy season and I have some normal health issues that have flared with the anxiety. I don’t see myself as high risk but take precautions for others who are. My work schedule is wonky and I’m helping watch my nieces while their folks have to work. Their allergies are off the charts and I’m constantly keeping an eye on them even though I don’t need to in that way.

And I’m trying not to read too much into symptoms but I do anyway. I’m trying to keep off social media but that’s hard, too. Thankfully, yard work season is upon me so I’ll be spending a lot of time with that in the next week or so. Have one more cold snap coming and then the yard is going DOWN!

Anyway, hope my readers are well. Be sure to keep in mind that it’s what the 80% of us do for the 20% that matters in this pandemic. And remember to stay calm and get off the internet whenever possible.

Cover Reveal: Flight

From Editor and head of Elephant Bookshelf Press Matt Sinclair comes another amazing anthology: a series of great sci-fi stories centered around one theme: flight. Whether human flight or space flight, each story is unique to the theme.

Be sure to check back for the official release date, tentatively set for mid-November in e-book and print-on-demand formats!

Depression

Disturbed: A Reason to Fight

This song…there are so few songs that get to me. So Far Away from Avenged Sevenfold is like an anthem for those us struggling through grief and depression. Fiction, also by Avenged Sevenfold, speaks to the struggle of depression, especially that opening line “Now I understand how this world can overcome a man”. These are songs that I feel so deeply, especially since losing my Mom in 2018 to cancer. There are days when these songs are all I listen to.

And now comes Disturbed with A Reason to Fight. I watched the debut of the video yesterday, on what should’ve been Mom’s 75th birthday. That entire video was watched through a curtain of tears, because I’m in a tough battle now. Talking about my depression is hard for me because so often growing up, I was told I was making things up, or that I should just get over it, or whatever. As an adult, I have sought therapy, but can’t afford to stick with it. And it never really helped me…I talked things out, we revisited issues and problems from my past. But while I always appreciated the people I spoke to, there wasn’t a lot of support for treatment.

I have friends in whom I confide, of course. But it’s so hard to push through when I don’t like to talk about me. I’d rather be someone else’s ear, listen to them, give them a platform to vent and talk about their problems. And when I do confide in those friends, they are amazing. They listen and that’s what I need. And sometimes, they offer their perspective and I appreciate that, too.

The theme of this song is that those of us struggling are not alone. And while I’m still struggling, trying to get from the bottom to the top, this song hit home. I am not alone. While I choose to have my battle alone, when the time comes, there will always be someone to listen. We don’t fight truly alone. And this song hit me so hard yesterday, in the midst of wishing Mom was here to celebrate her birthday. Cancer took her and yes, she lives on in our memories, but it’s not the same. And I cried so hard yesterday. I found a way to celebrate her, of course, with her favorite treat, but again, it’s not the same.

Grief and depression have overwhelmed me these last few months. I’ve lost interest in so much of what I enjoy but I don’t know how to articulate how I feel. Maybe there’s something I need to do better or differently. Maybe I need to push myself to get back into photography and stop being so apathetic about everything. I don’t know the answers, but I hope that, with spring in full force, my moods will improve.

In the mean time, I have my three songs that mean so much to me. And the ability to be there for others when they need me. That’s all I know how to do.

Cover Reveal: Deeper into Darkness by Maria Ann Green

Good morning!

Today, we have the cover reveal for Deeper into Darkness by Maria Ann Green! Be sure to check out the book and get in on pre-orders!!

Here is the back cover blurb for the book:

From the outside, Bee Iverson and her fiancé, Aidan Shepard, look like any other happy couple—but looks can be deceiving. Not long into their engagement, secrets seep out of her past, lies surround them, and unwelcome surprises leak into their lives, breaking down Bee’s confidence not only in herself but in their relationship, too.   

Secret: Bee’s keeping a piece of her past from Aidan—for him.

Aidan knows Bee’s a serial killer, preying on men as often as she can. In fact, their shared passion of such dark desires fuels their love for each other. Each stalks the cold, dark nights of Maine in search of their next victims—but separately. Aidan doesn’t want to play as a pair, but afterward they celebrate every kill. Every time blood is shed, their relationship deepens.

Lie: Bee is like any other serial killer.

As her past starts to bleed into her present, sleep comes harder and harder and monsters lurk around every corner. Worse still: as suspicion builds around a missing person’s case involving the murderous pair, Bee will have to either outwit the detective breathing down her neck…or come up with another way to secure her freedom.

Surprise: Freedom comes at a high price.

Be sure to support Maria and check out Into Deeper into Darkness on release day!!

-AB-

Tipsy Santa: Christmas in the Afterlife

The look on Horace’s face is priceless. Jaw dropped, slowly lowering the oversized hood that gravity keeps firmly in place. Even the flowing robes come to a dead stop when he walks out of his office, thick stone door refusing to slam shut.

“What have you done?”

Even though he doesn’t drink I hand him a glass of wine. His bony fingers wrap around the delicate stem and he leans into the liquid, regardless of the fact he can’t smell. With the glass still in hand, his eyes take in what I call the lobby of the Dark Plane. Red and white lights twinkle along the ceiling and on the door hangs a wreath made of imitation pine. A large red and gold gingham bow adorns the top of the wreath and I hung a few red, blue, and gold bulbs on it as well.

“I’ve decorated for Christmas, of course.”

Next to my boss’s door is a seven foot tree, decked out with Doctor Who figures, blue and silver bulbs, and a T.A.R.D.I.S for a topper. A twelve foot long scarf, set with multi-colored stripes and tassels wraps around in place of garland. Horace’s eyes roam the tree and then the walls. One wall has a bust of Santa. A cardboard chimney painted red and white holds a life-size Santa.

“It is…festive.”

“Festive? That’s it?”

His bony feet clack against the stone floor. His jaw clicks, the overhead light
catching his bare head. Almost as an afterthought, he pulls his hood up, once again the imposing figure of Death.

“Yes. We have never been particularly festive on the Dark Plane. Please explain.”

Now my jaw has dropped open. “Never?” He shakes his head. “Holy shit dude.”

For a second his mouth moves as if to remind me there’s nothing holy about poop, but then he reconsiders. Doing another full circle, he takes in the flying paper reindeer I taped to the wall near his secretary’s office and the lighted deer standing in fake snow I set up near the entrance to the Dark Plane. As Deathers come and go they can see most of the décor, right down to the Merry Christmas sign hanging over the Planes entrance.

“Has it occurred to you that not everyone will appreciate your efforts?”

“No.”

“You may not realize that Deathers are from all faiths, beliefs, and walks of life. Has it not occurred to you that not everyone celebrates Christmas?”

“No.”

Okay, that’s a lie. But he’s not seeing everything, then, because I created walls devoted to other holidays, too. Honestly, I took a poll and Deathers agreed that the Christmas stuff was kosher. Those of other faiths agreed to help decorate parts of the Plane for their holiday and we made sure everything was visible for everyone. But if he hasn’t noticed that yet…

“I did notice. I suspected you were not that close-minded, despite—”

My sparkly purple robes catch the twinkling white lights outlining the office doors of both Horace and his secretary. One hip juts out and my foot taps on the floor, arms crossed, an angry huff escaping my lips.

“Despite what?” I grind out.

“Moving along.”

“Oh no, no, no. Despite what??”

If he could swallow, Horace would’ve gulped by now. Those empty sockets, with their little purple-blue flame, avoid my own gaze. It may be that my gaze could disassemble him one joint at a time, it’s so angry.

“Well. You are from a, shall we say, quite Christian, conservative area of Iowa.
Perhaps a place not well known for diversity. Therefore, you may not have thought about other faiths. I apologize. It was an insensitive comment. You are of course, quite other worldly.”

For a few awkward seconds, he stares at me until I accept his version of an apology. As the evening begins and Deathers start flowing in for work, I gesture to his glass. Raising mine I propose a toast.

“To Christmas in the Afterlife.”

He raises his own but of course doesn’t drink. I polish mine off quickly, head rushing. Horace retreats to his office while his secretary bustles about, handing out assignment lists. Every step she takes she jingles, thanks to the bells on her green and red Santa hat and the tree on her sweater. I suppose I should let him know about the ugly sweater contest coming up tomorrow night. Maybe I could get him into a sweater.

The End of Childhood

One thing I find myself struggling with is the loss of childhood people and things. Every time a relative passed away I thought about how things changed: no more Christmas at Grandma’s. No more joking around with Uncle Ray. No more visits to the nursing home when I go to see my parents. The older I get, the more things change. This is inevitable, of course, but for me, it’s hard.

I grew up surrounded by family, because my maternal grandmother was in town as were other family. Hours were spent at Grandma’s table playing cards, eating snack, learning how to put curlers in, and telling jokes. Sunday dinners happened after church, usually with an appetizer course of donuts and chocolate milk. We played for hours at Grandma’s, inside and out. Most of my friends were in Grandma’s neighborhood.

At some point, things slowly changed. Fewer dinners. Fewer hours playing. More hours visiting. Health changed. I grew into an adult. My Great Aunt passed away. Grandma passed, my uncle passed. Then, this year, my Mom passed suddenly. All of those childhood things have gone. I don’t live at home anymore. I don’t have my Mom anymore. Dad’s relationship with me has grown stronger, which is good, but it’s so different without Mom.

The oddest things set off this longing to turn back the clock. As my hometown school district considers closing another school I attended, I find myself hoping they don’t. Logically I know closing it and moving those grades to another campus is the right decision. That school is OLD and needs more work than it would cost to build a new school. But the school they want to close is literally my childhood.

My Dad was a custodian. I was proud of him for this work and still am. And Roosevelt was his building. If Mom couldn’t get me after school, I found a way to Roosevelt to hang with Dad. When Dad had to check the building after hours, I’d ride along. I played in the music room and gym on weekends when Dad had to fix something or check the doors. My sister and I cleaned erasers in what Dad sometimes thought was punishment but for us was fun. We’d walk away with arms covered in marker and chalk dust and he’d shake his head and laugh. I spent time in the boiler room and still know every square inch of that school by heart.

That school is where Dad embarrassed me in front of my math class and comforted me when I was sick in the nurses office. Where he covered my lunch money when Mom forgot to send it. I sometimes wish I’d appreciated being at his building more but I was at the age of “oh my god dad….” instead of the appreciative age.

Knowing that Roosevelt might be torn down kind of struck me tonight as a bit painful. It’s the right decision but it’s another piece of my childhood that’s potentially gone. And for me, it’s a struggle to give up those bits, because there were parts of my childhood that SUCKED and the bits that are going away made me happy.

Maybe it’s grief. I am certainly still grieving my Mother, as she’s been gone eight months and one day now. Eight months has certainly gone by quickly. I’ve taken on Mom’s role in Dad’s healthcare when I can and I know Dad appreciates it. But it’s hard on me, as it would be on any child in this situation. I know now more than ever that Dad will not live forever and I’d better see him while I still can.

I’d give anything for one more phone call with Mom. One more LOOK, one more motherly lecture on whatever choice of mine she didn’t think was a good one. I know she’s looking out for me, she shows me in little ways that I don’t expect. But it’s not the same as her being here.

Tonight I’m nostalgic. I don’t want my middle school to go away even though I know it must. I miss Mom, heading into a long stretch of holidays. And grief is always present, always there, even when I don’t always feel it.

Hold onto your childhood; it goes away far too fast.

On Grief and Loss

I thought I understood grief. After all, I’ve experienced the loss of several relatives, including grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I thought I understood grief after the loss of my cat, Hamlet, who was like a child to me. I thought I knew what to expect and how to handle it.

But when my Mom died on January 30th, 2018, a mere two weeks after a cancer diagnosis, I found I did NOT understand grief. Not in the slightest. Losing a parent is far and away more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced. There is a never-ending pain, even on the days when I’m happy and smiling, a pain that aches no matter my mood. It’s knowing that I won’t hear her voice again or see her or have her comment on my cat pictures.

It’s knowing that I can’t tag her in something silly on Facebook. Or that when the phone rings, it’s just Dad, who’s never liked talking on the phone. It’s being told how like my mom I am and having that hurt. It’s seeing a picture of her or something she liked and breaking into tears.

Losing my mom is hands down the worst loss I’ve experienced in my life. I find that I worry more about Dad. He’s older, how long will he last without mom? I find that I worry about everything more. And I find it’s harder to be who I was before we lost mom.

The hardest thing to know is that mom would’ve beat the cancer. I struggle with that daily. That had she not gotten two different respiratory infections, she’d have pulled ahead in the fight. She’d still be here. But her immune system was wiped out and she got RSV. That turned into pneumonia. And she wasn’t strong enough to fight. She didn’t have the strength to keep going. Her kidneys failed. Her blood pressure couldn’t stabilize without medication. I used to work in healthcare and the clinical side of me gets it. The clinical side of me knows that it was the right decision to discontinue life support.

But the daughter side wonders: where the doctors right to put a breathing tube in? Is going on the ventilator what made the difference? Should they have kept increasing her oxygen on the nasal cannula? Could they have tried a non-rebreather? A mask? Were there other options besides intubation? The clinical side of me sees the signs that intubation was the right move. But the daughter asks: even though she was maxing out her oxygen needs on the nasal cannula, should we have waited to intubate?

I know the hospital did everything they could have and more. They threw antibiotics and antivirals at her. They kept her comfortable. They took good care of her and us. They answered our questions and didn’t sugar-coat anything. That last night, when Dad and I stayed in the hospital with Mom, the team kept us informed. Even that morning, less then twelve hours before she would quietly slip away, they said they weren’t giving up. But they also said this could end her life. I realize now how lucky I was to be there that last night.

That morning, my Dad called a meeting with me and my sister. We talked about Mom, how she was doing, and what the doctors had said. I wanted to say no, give her more time. But I also understood that he was honoring her wishes not to be a vegetable. She wasn’t going to get better. And if she did, she wouldn’t be Mom. She wasn’t going to come home from this. She was full of pneumonia. She had RSV. Her kidneys were failing. She had other problems going on. We had to make that call, to take her off life support. To let her go.

I am grateful that I got to hold her hand while she passed. She cried a silent tear right before she left this earth. Holding her hand, telling her how much I loved her, that’s special to me. That was a privilege no one should take for granted. The hospital was good about letting her stay in her room until we were ready to release the body. I got to sit and talk to her a few more times and I’m glad for that.

Deep down inside, I know we did the right thing. I know Mom wouldn’t have wanted to keep going. It took her twenty minutes to slip away, making me think she was ready. She was done fighting and she knew she couldn’t win. But two weeks isn’t fair. She had a chance to be a cancer survivor but she got two secondary infections and that was what got her in the end. Cancer makes me so angry. This isn’t the first time it’s taken a loved one from me. But I never dreamed Mom’s fight would be so short.

All I can do now is cherish the memories of an awesome woman that I was lucky enough to call Mom. I will remember sitting there that Friday, before they intubated her, talking about the cooking show. How excited she was to be allowed ice chips. How she went ‘whoo hoo!’ when she swallowed ice without aspirating. I know she couldn’t have anything else, because she was aspirating. I know she was coughing up blood. But I will treasure those last moments with her. When she shooed me home four times, because “I’m going to be fine!” When I asked if she wanted me to go when they were putting the tube in and she maintained that she’d be fine. I think in her mind this was a small hurdle, like a cold, and she’d be fine in a few days. But they reduced Mom to two days and that’s what she got. I’m grateful all around, but I wish she’d have made it. I wish there was a way to communicate with her. I don’t believe in heaven or hell or god or any of that. But part of me wants there to be an afterlife. I want there to be someplace where she’s happy and well and watching over us. I know it’s unlikely, but I’ve never wanted it to be true so much in my life. Because if there was an afterlife, maybe there’d be a way for one more talk, one more meal, one more holiday, one more everything.

Mom, I miss you. Things are a big ball of suck right now without you. And I know how death works. But it doesn’t stop me wishing I could reverse it and bring you back and make you well again. I needed more time with you. It wasn’t supposed to end this way.

COVER REVEAL!!!

Good morning!

This morning, I have a cover reveal! Jessa Russo writes amazing YA paranormal romance books and I am super excited for Entwined! If you haven’t read the previous two books, I highly recommend them! I’m always said when a favorite series ends and this one is no exception! Stay tuned here later this month for an interview with Jessa. In the mean time, check out the links below!

★★★COVER REVEAL★★★

ENTWINED by Jessa Russo
Book 3 of The Ever Trilogy

First she lost her heart.
She nearly lost her soul.
Now, Ever might just lose her life.
See what happens to Ever, Toby, and Frankie when the final book of the #EverTrilogy releases this Christmas!

Preorders will be available mid-December, but in the meantime, you can add ENTWINED to your Goodreads tbr pile, and be sure to follow Jessa for updates and teasers!

Jessa’s links: Amazon | Website | Twitter | Facebook

ENTWINED on Goodreads: Entwined Goodreads

Flash Fiction: Are You Alright

I sink onto the red couch in my office, the torn, stained cushion barely soft anymore. My cats, Ma and Pa, jump into my lap, nuzzling my face and hands. Their black and white tuxedo fur blurs as a fresh round of tears falls. Out of habit, I open the small fridge in my office.

“Son of a bitch!” I shout. The cats hiss.

I stalk out to the kitchen. The fridge door smacks the wall: empty. Cupboards, behind the stove and fridge, in the junk drawer, even the god damned mouth wash is gone.

“Fucking hell!” I shout.

“Are you alright?”

I whip around, breath heaving in my chest. Jacoby stands behind me, brushing dirt from his hands into the trash.

“Where’s my stuff?” I tower over him, one inch taller and twice as mad.

“I saw you come home. Bit early in the day, isn’t it?” he asks, his voice sharp, accusing. “Get fired?”

I rear my first back. The last of my whiskey got me home, but it wasn’t enough and I begin to sober up.

“You going to divorce me if I did?”

He ducks when I swing. “Third damn DUI in the last three months and this one finally cost you your job. You either get your ass into some kind of AA or rehab or I walk.”

He stomps away and I stand there a second. His truck tears down the gravel. That’s the first time he’s threatened to walk.

Story copyright @Aightball

 

Check out http://www.siobhanmuir.com for Thursday Threads! #ThursThreads on Twitter =)

 

Moving Forward

Dear Hamlet,

On Tuesday, we welcomed new kitten Benvolio into the family. I wasn’t sure at first, if I was doing the right thing. You haven’t been gone a full year and I still miss you terribly. My heart remains broken. But Benvolio has been a surprising healing factor. Even in his few days with us, he’s helped mend my heart. A part of it will remain forever broken, but I feel good now, having him in my life.

He’s so tiny. Reminds me of when you were that tiny, so many years ago. He plays with toys, he has so much energy. But he’s learning to sit quietly with me, just like you always did. And then he’s off and running. Right now, he’s sleeping with his chin on my hand.

I hope my memories with him are as good as my memories with you. You and I had a lot of fun together, even when you were being a pistol. But I loved you no matter what. And I find that I can love again, because Benvolio has proven that.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I did what I could for you. I did everything I could but the illness was stronger. I hope you found the rainbow bridge and have made some friends. I know we’ll be reunited someday, when the time is right.

In the mean time, give Benvolio some advice on posing for the camera =). He’s already a ham ;). And feel free to visit me whenever; I’ll be watching for you.