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Monthly Archives: April 2019

Disturbed: A Reason to Fight

This song…there are so few songs that get to me. So Far Away from Avenged Sevenfold is like an anthem for those us struggling through grief and depression. Fiction, also by Avenged Sevenfold, speaks to the struggle of depression, especially that opening line “Now I understand how this world can overcome a man”. These are songs that I feel so deeply, especially since losing my Mom in 2018 to cancer. There are days when these songs are all I listen to.

And now comes Disturbed with A Reason to Fight. I watched the debut of the video yesterday, on what should’ve been Mom’s 75th birthday. That entire video was watched through a curtain of tears, because I’m in a tough battle now. Talking about my depression is hard for me because so often growing up, I was told I was making things up, or that I should just get over it, or whatever. As an adult, I have sought therapy, but can’t afford to stick with it. And it never really helped me…I talked things out, we revisited issues and problems from my past. But while I always appreciated the people I spoke to, there wasn’t a lot of support for treatment.

I have friends in whom I confide, of course. But it’s so hard to push through when I don’t like to talk about me. I’d rather be someone else’s ear, listen to them, give them a platform to vent and talk about their problems. And when I do confide in those friends, they are amazing. They listen and that’s what I need. And sometimes, they offer their perspective and I appreciate that, too.

The theme of this song is that those of us struggling are not alone. And while I’m still struggling, trying to get from the bottom to the top, this song hit home. I am not alone. While I choose to have my battle alone, when the time comes, there will always be someone to listen. We don’t fight truly alone. And this song hit me so hard yesterday, in the midst of wishing Mom was here to celebrate her birthday. Cancer took her and yes, she lives on in our memories, but it’s not the same. And I cried so hard yesterday. I found a way to celebrate her, of course, with her favorite treat, but again, it’s not the same.

Grief and depression have overwhelmed me these last few months. I’ve lost interest in so much of what I enjoy but I don’t know how to articulate how I feel. Maybe there’s something I need to do better or differently. Maybe I need to push myself to get back into photography and stop being so apathetic about everything. I don’t know the answers, but I hope that, with spring in full force, my moods will improve.

In the mean time, I have my three songs that mean so much to me. And the ability to be there for others when they need me. That’s all I know how to do.