Michelle Hauck is hosting a blog hop! Click the link to sign up. Once signed up, you post the first 250-ish words of your novel and then critique others first pages. Feel free to give me the good, the bad, and the ugly here. This has been revised and revised and revised some more!!
Commercial Fiction (it’s a genre bender…)
(note: was I too obvious in the first paragraph to why Jacoby’s trying not to think the worst? It’s an important aspect to what comes after, but I don’t want to be too obvious, either.)
Based on feedback, here is a revised opening page:
I nearly spilled my coffee when the back door slammed open and my husband came barreling through the kitchen.
“It’s legal, Jacoby! Iowa finally came to its senses and made it all legal!!”
His shoulders heaved, his hands trembled and his pupils were so dilated, the blue was nothing more than a thin strip. He’s a former drug addict and these were usually warning signs. I didn’t want to think the worst, so I chalked things up to excitement. I put my mug on the counter and snatched his phone, wondering what was so damn exciting. Then, the one headline I thought I’d never see filled the small screen: Gay Marriage Legal in Iowa.
I sucked in a breath, reading the headline again to make sure I’d read correctly. The phone skidded across the floor as I grabbed Jimmy in a hug, smashing my lips against his. Breathless, I leaned back. Jimmy grinned.
“When are we going to get our license?” Jimmy settled at the table, finally drawing in a calming breath.
I smiled as I read the article. “I don’t know. If we wait ’til our anniversary, maybe we can have Pastor do a renewing of the vows for us.”
Jimmy yanked me down into his lap, attaching his lips to mine. I pulled back and smiled at him, his curly, black, shoulder-length hair brushing my hand.
“I can’t believe it. Finally, our marriage is going to be legal,” I said, blubbering. I leaned over and picked up Jimmy’s phone, the headline still filling the tiny screen. “It’s legal. It’s finally legal.” I stood, pulling his hand. “Let’s go upstairs and celebrate.”